why i did the #100happydays challenge

I'm a tropical baby and moving to a landlocked city was a major shift, in latitude, longitude, and everything in between. I'm back home for a short while and a few days back, a friend and I had vada pav for breakfast(at 1 pm), overlooking the sea link.

We spoke about our lives, how it is and has been for me, living away from home, and while she continued to tell me a story about work, I zoned out. I was busy soaking in the breeze, the flavors, the groups of people I could see around me and the living moment while thinking about why a job in another city was stopping me from living this life every Sunday. my friend asked why I suddenly went silent, and even though I couldn't explain it to her, I hope this essay can.

I like to believe that I'm extremely optimistic and try to find essentially the 'silver lining' in any situation. I overslept in the bus? No issues, that's one more city to see. I forgot my wallet for a trip? Not an issue at all, there's a fat chance it would've gotten stolen so I essentially saved myself from a robbery. I seek peace, and try to find joy in every moment but why am I actively trying? does that imply that it doesn't exist? or do I fear missing out on joyful moments so much that I create my own?

It took me nearly 7 months to realise that I naturally did not like the new city I moved into, and I worked hard to make myself like my new reality. This reality did have a lot more freedom, but I read somewhere that independence is such a thin line away from becoming loneliness, and I think that’s true for how merged the lines of freedom and responsibility are, once you move out. I have arranged and rearranged this room for a total of 8 times in the last 6 months and this time I’m sure I’ve made my peace with it. Simple things like being in bed before 12am, being hydrated with no unread messages, going on little grocery store trips where i don’t have to just be an accomplice but am actually in charge of looking at expiry dates behind packaging, picking out the ripest fruit, and learning to not put all the kinderjoys in my shopping basket are things I’ve had to actively learn to find joy in. One of my most important realisation after spending each waking hour with myself, and sometimes having no one else to talk to was that this entire experience made me understand what I like and dislike (a friend said "I'm glad, this is life- learning what you like and what you don't) and I value retaining my happiness deeply, even if it means I need to put myself first or over-prioritize myself.

My first visit back home after moving out left me lost, confused and in pain. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't bear to look at my empty cupboard, I couldn't get myself to do the simplest of the things like answering the door, say thank-you after being handed a plate of food because it reminded me of how far away I lived from it. I came looking for familiarity, just the way I left it, but it never ocurred to me that I will always belong, but hereafter only be a visitor. I could swear that the clocks moved faster and everything was on a timer, constantly ticking, reminding me of my flight back. When I was leaving, I didn't cry, I wasn't sad, I was glad that I was healthy enough to go and start my new job (which got delayed by 2 weeks since I got sick) and in hindsight, I don't think I ever got closure on this city before I left. I think I still don't, and I never will. Even without living here, it always feels like home, and its because of the endless montage of memories that play when I shut my eyes. Why did I not document them more? Why do I not have a picture of my favourite onion schezwan dosa? Why don't I have a video of me playing with the neighbouring apartment's pet cats? Why do I need to have a bad vadapav in milk bread and convince myself that its the closest I can feel to home when I miss it? To answer these questions of mine, when I went back (I cried a lot this time), I watched the #100happydays Ted Talk and made a pact with myself that I want to live, live unapologetically and document every emotion- even if it means I have to document every moment. Leaving home each time after a visit is excrutiatingly painful, I would say the pain only increases exponentially with time, but this time, I know I have another home waiting on the other side when the flight lands.