are you the main character?

a dear friend of mine once told me that everyone has 2 lives. the second one starts when you realise you have only one. Her spontaneity and passion of pursuing what the heart wants continues to inspire me everyday. A few years ago, while I was considered to be an "ideal" child who studies well, doesn't cause her family much trouble, is capable of taking care of herself and can keep herself occupied with hobbies, I realised that no matter how important academics are and building a career is, I cannot let it become my entire personality. It gave me the desire to strive to do more than just what I'm supposed to. I started using my Instagram account as a medium to showcase my art and a friend once casually asked if she could purchase one of the canvasses I posted on my story. That sale gave me so much more than just money.

My parents completely encouraged this little venture of mine and I've lost count of how many times my mum's offered to help with packaging, cleaning the room after I finish painting and sometimes even to come buy the supplies with me. My dad kept telling me that I was underpricing my work, and we had a couple arguments about the finances (I wasn't making that much of a profit back then) but I could see how proud of me he was- that I was doing it and I was doing it alone. They've both been nothing but supportive through all the nights I've stayed up late, painting, studying, working, or simply even watching a movie on my phone. Soon, I started getting more confident about this and wanted to give it a shot as a business model. I got business cards made, started buying supplies in bulk, made my packaging and delivery time standard, got a separate bank account and signed a 13 month contract with my shipping agency.

Even though this would have counted as a decent work experience, I felt like I was missing out on the feeling of working in a team/leading a team or working for someone.

I signed up for a couple of college society's leadership roles, made a linkedin account, approached everyone I knew, trying to get an internship. I would attend college from 8 am through 2pm, do my internship work from 2-6pm, study and prepare for the next day of classes till dinner and then at night I would sit to paint. In retrospect, I have insane amount of respect for my 19 year old self because I do not imagine myself being that dedicated anymore, especially now that I know what the joy of having slower days is, but its that passion, that drive which I look back at from time to time and it helps me to push myself.

With a regular and another not so regular but stable source of income also came a lot of urge to spend it. Middle of the pandemic, staying at home with all daily expenses taken care of, I decided I would use a part of the money for social impact, another part to support other small businesses and a part of it on myself, only myself. I recently saw a quote that read "Experiences over Possessions" and I realised how much it resonated with my thought process back then. I wanted to spend time travelling, going to new places- even if they were within the city, I wanted to visit them alone, just to see if I could. I started by going to a cafe just 20 mins from my place and it was as if I unlocked a higher level in life. The experience of dining alone is so thoroughly entertaining, especially the first time you do it. Its so weird (and rightly so) to eat alone. To deal with my awkwardness, I decided to document this experience and started recording with my front camera. Everyone in the cafe was looking at this girl eating her aglio olio and smiling at her phone. It gave me more confidence than anyone's words ever have and made me feel extremely comfortable in my own skin. I started paying very little attention to the clothes other people are wearing, whether I am similarly dressed or not or if my outfit is appropriate, what they have ordered, how do i pronounce this item on the menu (i used to be extremely shy and conscious about these things) and started paying more attention to what I actually wanted. I gave myself the liberty to get exactly what I want and I have ended up eating the most horrible tasting tacos, chhola kulcha in a south indian restaurant and a burrito bowl at an Italian cafe. These experiences weren't necessary, obviously, I could have eaten at home, but they were important.

That's the story behind each one of my 'main character' reels and tweets. I am probably taking this footage after spilling sauce on the table or I probably will walk into the pole after completing this blog (yes, it has happened before), but no matter what, I will always continue to find joy, courage and confidence in these moments. They were turning points that made me feel okay and believe that as long as I had myself, nothing else mattered.